Serial Killers

When I come back home from work, I usually head straight to my bedroom and sleep (my sleep cycle has gone off the charts recently, I've ...

When I come back home from work, I usually head straight to my bedroom and sleep (my sleep cycle has gone off the charts recently, I've been clocking 15 hours a day of late). Or bug my mom for coffee. Or sit in front of the computer to check my inbox (for imaginary new email).
But today, instead of doing all those proper, normal things,I decided that I would read today's ET and 'improve my financial knowledge'.
I plopped in the living room sofa next to Paati (Grandma - who was watching some mega-serial on Sun tv) and picked up the pink newspaper. It was blaring about the great crash in the SENSEX the previous day. That was when Paati just HAD to turn up the volume. I put the paper down and was about to tell her to lower the volume when I actually started watching that stuff. Honestly, it was way more interesting than the FM's comments on the robustness of the Indian Economy.

Scene 1:
Two school girls are coming back from school. Both of them have unnatural smiles plastered on their faces. They are received by a middle aged man, who is waving in such an enthusiastic way that his arm might fall off anytime.

Girl 1 (with creepy smile) : Haaai daddee!

Daddee: Ennada chellam, school mudinjirtha?
[Oh darling, is school over?]

(And to think his eight year old daughter could have dug her way out of the school toilet using the spoon packed with her lunch. Einstein ka baap, this one.)

Girl 1: Yes Daddee, idhu dhaan enoda baysht frienddu.
[Yes daddy, this is my best friend]

Girl 2 (with an 'innocent smile'. Kudutha 100 Roobavum rendu plate bondakkum director gets full paisa vasool):
Haaaai ungil, ungaloda ponnu romba nalla padikara, yeppavum firsht vara, ava enna nariya nariya help panra ungil, ippo naanum nalla mark vaangaren, unga ponnuku naan romba kadamapattruken.

[Oh uncle, your daughter studies so well, she always comes first, she has helped me so much, now I get great marks too, I owe it her.]
(I used to say stuff like 'appa, enakku ippove bathroom ponum!' when I was 8. The times are sure changing.)

Ungil Daddee: Aama ma, indha maari ponnu kadaikardhukku na kuduthuvechirkanum.
[Yes dear, surely I have done some good deed in my past life to get such a daughter]

I groan. My Paati goes "ssh!!"
Strangely enough, I don't stomp out like I would have usually done, i continued to watch the mind-numbing programme.

Scene cuts to Ice-cream kaaran.

Ungil Daddee: Vaama, Cup-Ice vaangitharen.
(cup ice!)

Girls clap hands in excitement, "Haiyya Ice ice".

Girl 1: Daddee enakku kutchi ice DHAAN venum!
[Daddee! I want ONLY stick-ice!]

Ungil Daddee: Ha.Ha.Ha. Seri, kutchi-ice vaangitharen.
[Ha.Ha.Ha. Ok, I will buy you stick-ice]

Everyone goes Ha.Ha.Ha in an acutely constipated manner to celebrate the happy father daughter moment. The Ungil Daddee pays the ice-cream kaaran.

Suddenly the atrociously happy pingpong music which was playing in the background changes into a bad BSB(!) style bass guitar rip.

Adhavadhu....Tusht of story!

(TWIST IN TALE!!)


The ice cream guy won't take the money!

The camera man shows his genius - zoom into Ungil Daddee's loose-motioned look of shock

Apidye cut into girl 1 staring at ice-cream man with 'knowing smile'.


Loose motion.


Papapapapapan doying doying
(bg meesic - avanga mood-a capture panraangalaam)


Knowing smile.

Papapapapapan doying doying

Ice cream guy.

Papapapapapan doying doying

Loose motion.

Papapapapapan doying doying

Knowing smile.

Papapapapapan doying doying

Ice cream guy.

Papapapapapan doying doying

Loo- suddenly my mother cuts in - "Yenma, andha icecream kaaran panam vaanga maatengaran? Andha kutti ponnu enna pei ya?"
[Why ma, why isn't the ice cream fellow taking money? Is the girl a ghost?"]

"Illa di, andha ponnu pei laam illa....ava dhaan ice cream pudichindrukkaale, pei aala onnum pudichukamudiyaadhu la?"
[No, no...that girl is not a ghost - she's holding the ice cream right, ghosts can't hold ice-cream right?]

"Aama la...cha enakku thonave illa...apo yen andha ponnukku ipdi oru music? Edho irukkanum la..."
[Yea no...I can't believe I didn't think of that...then why is that kind of music playing? There's got to be something fishy about her..]

"Andha ponnu edho oru Amman oda avataram....Kettavaala pazhi vaangarthukku vandhurka. Adhu dhaan kadha"
[That girl is an incarnation apparently....she's come to avenge all the bad people]


My mother and Paati continue to delve into the deep logic of the mega-serial.



That was when I heard a vaguely familiar voice cry -
"Kolapanraanga!! Kolapanraanga!!".
[They're killing me!]

It was my brain.

"THU! Periya solomon pappaaya thangachi, vandhutaanga pattimandram panna. Indha kuppa serial-a edho periya Discovery Channel documentary maari okaandu analyze panreenglale, vekkama illa? Cha, kedu ketta kudumbamda idhu!!"

I walked out of the living room, Tamil padam style, munu-munuthufying all the way.

Just when I was about to feel all good and powerful for speaking my mind, I hear my paati - "Enna aachu, Lalu indha reality show-la vara pasanga maariye theva ilaama tension aara..."


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34 comments

  1. Ms.Chutney

    ...too cli·chéd

    p.s -- wen am i staring ???

    ReplyDelete
  2. lol yapaahh! yuh-ikes!

    what do the last few lines mean eh??

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lol, next time use humor to insult. For example, after the line about the Amman avataram, you could say "aamava, appo-na ice-karan vandu pona piravi la naayi-aa? Adanal dana kandu pidukka mudinjathu?" (Oh really, so was the ice-cream guy a dog in his last life? Was that how he was able to find out that the girl was a goddess incarnated?)

    For maximum effect, make sure you are wide-eyed with wonder while asking these questions.

    Of course, you would still get yelled at, but at least it would be more fun. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. My strategy: Dance in front of the TV. I did almost all the 20 days I was home.

    -Ok

    PS: If only you were a little bit older. Sigh...

    ReplyDelete
  5. As an after thought: Your pati's question would be " Enna acchu Lalu ku. Ava reality show la kalanduka porala?"

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Vatsan

    Suttama puriyala

    @Busy Writer

    The last lines mean : "What happened, why is she acting like someone from a reality show?"

    @BPSK:
    LOL, yes, the next time I'm watching any of these gems, I shall try that.
    :)

    @OK
    Older a?
    Elaborate :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. What do you think it could be? Its exactly what you think.

    -Ok

    ReplyDelete
  8. so you're lalu huh? is that a laaloo? or is it a lalloo (which in hindi means something like a sissie? :D :D

    groucho said "i find TV very educative. every time somebody switches is on, i move to the other room and start reading a book" or something like that

    ReplyDelete
  9. saw the labels, and thought the order of the 3 labels that you have attached were a little funny. hope it wasn't intentional ;)

    ReplyDelete
  10. @Ok
    My mind works in mysterious ways. :P btw, I'm not easy to ignore, provided u know where to look.

    @Dharmabum.
    Its 'lalu' like 'lalooooo'. And since I'm a girl, I doubt 'sissie' would apply.
    And lol, I just noticed the labels myself, and nope, it wasn't intentional.

    ReplyDelete
  11. The hilarious part in these Tamil serials is when they make kids 'act', as if theses mega-serils werent weird enuff without them.
    The cheesy dialogues they re made to deliver...the same dialogs delivered by an adult would be fine, but kids....kids should be at the park, playing.

    ReplyDelete
  12. have been thiruttu-thanama reading your blog for quite sometime...i like your style of writing...romba lollu..

    Is this serial called Anjali? because I remember seeing such scene but it was long time may be a month back...

    or are they having similar scenes on every serial?

    ReplyDelete
  13. lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll super lol........big time.........u make me wanna do a post on sun tv serials tooooooooo
    lollllllllllllllllll

    ReplyDelete
  14. Very nice flow of writing here.. makes all the posts a very interesting read.

    ReplyDelete
  15. ha ha ha.. the werid world of megha serials... whenever i go home, i never let my mom switch on the tv to watch them.. :) (btw, ET is my fav newspaper, though i dont read it regulerly now ET and BI was my staple diet during my 6 years of college life)

    ReplyDelete
  16. hahahahahahahhahaa

    omg omg omg that was so funny

    hahahahahahahahhhahahahhaaaaa

    hahahahahahhaa

    *gasps for laughter*

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahaha
    ahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahaa

    *rolls on floor till bruised*

    haahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhhahahhah
    ahahahahahahahahhahahha

    omg u r so. funny.

    hahahahhahhaha!

    keep it up, babes!

    :) I'll be back for more humour. hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  17. lol..and i assume ur grandmom's talking about that whole jodi no1 walking out thing in the end?? lol

    too funny lavanya..brilliant as always..!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. oy,
    thats my sleep cycle.
    I sleep around 8-15 hours a day. Depends on the amount of activity around me.

    lol, the ol switcheroo technique. You start to yell at the person watching tv, and suddenly, you go join the dark side too.
    I have done this one... with grave side effects. my mom gets more excited when hulk hogan makes his entry than I do. She even knows the statistics for each guy..so and so feet tall etc..anyway

    oh my, what a storyline. Even in my most creative dreams will I not see such an awkward twist. The ice cream won't take money. Good lord. What a predicament. Who will save us now.

    the only thing that is stuck in my head after this post...
    "Papapapapapan doying doying "
    "Papapapapapan doying doying "

    sounds funny. I am easily entertained at times.

    gotta go back in time and read your previous posts...from the start. Seems interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Cryptic! I am intrigued. I can hazard a guess but to verify it Ill need to go to Nugambakkam.

    -Ok

    ReplyDelete
  20. lol... hehe.. hey lavanya... eppadi irrukai.. im back after my exams...

    ReplyDelete
  21. @confounded lady
    I swear, kids should be banned from acting in serials.

    @Me
    Thiruttu-thanama padikardhukku apdi enna periya matter ezhudharen? ;)
    And yea, bang on, its Anjali. God they've been showing the same crap for a month?! Remba too much no?
    Keep visiting though!

    @Harini, Weekend Warrior
    Thanks :D

    @XH
    Yes yes, ET is super paper, I finally read that article on the stock market crash like half an hour after I stormed out of the living room. lol.

    @medstud
    Awesome to know you really enjoyed it! Keep visiting!
    :D

    @lemonade
    thanks! :D

    @hershey
    lol, you make your mom watch WWE?
    :O
    And yea, amazing twist. :P
    Hope you enjoy the archives!

    @ok
    Nungmabakkam? Well, let me get all cryptic again. You are searching for ghee with butter in your hands.
    Its all closer than you think. :P

    @shashi
    hey, good to know you're back, doc!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hope its not some "chillara" matter like Orkut, Myspace etc. I am hoping the problem really deserves my attention. Confirm this and I will excercise the grey cells of mine.

    -Ok

    ReplyDelete
  23. haen?
    No no, not chillara, thu orkut n all, but come to think of it, not worth exercising also. Free-a leavings, no feelings, wogay?
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Lol! Whats there to feel. Anyway why dont you try the inverse problem?

    Its a sitter. Mail me with solution:). Or, rathe the act of mailing is a proof of success.

    -Ok

    ReplyDelete
  25. I totally agree with you. This was the funniest post/thing I have read in such a long time.

    It's silly my mother complains how she's getting fed up of the too long drawn out serials yet she will still watch it everyday...

    There's like some weird addiction.

    Kolapanraangal!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Edward blake, ie singapore peter!
    Welcome back!
    (in case you don't recognise me, I used to be the evil autorick.)
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. lavs as I mentioned in another post of yours. I finally managed to track you down. Of course I know it's you silly.

    ReplyDelete
  28. lol... hehe.. hey lavanya... eppadi irrukai.. im back after my exams...

    ReplyDelete
  29. have been thiruttu-thanama reading your blog for quite sometime...i like your style of writing...romba lollu..

    Is this serial called Anjali? because I remember seeing such scene but it was long time may be a month back...

    or are they having similar scenes on every serial?

    ReplyDelete
  30. @Ok
    My mind works in mysterious ways. :P btw, I'm not easy to ignore, provided u know where to look.

    @Dharmabum.
    Its 'lalu' like 'lalooooo'. And since I'm a girl, I doubt 'sissie' would apply.
    And lol, I just noticed the labels myself, and nope, it wasn't intentional.

    ReplyDelete
  31. My strategy: Dance in front of the TV. I did almost all the 20 days I was home.

    -Ok

    PS: If only you were a little bit older. Sigh...

    ReplyDelete

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