Need for Speed

After 10 months of procrastination, I finally signed up for Driving classes. I had registered for the "special" class. There was ...

After 10 months of procrastination, I finally signed up for Driving classes. I had registered for the "special" class. There was nothing even remotely "special" about this, only the fact that I had to drive one otta (useless) santro car instead of the usual otta maruti 800. My instructor was a sotta (bald) middle aged guy. He beckoned me to sit in the front passenger seat and started questioning me
"Sooo What are you doing ah?"
"CA sir"
"Oh oh oh. Ok."
"Ok"
"Now you want to drive ah?"
No, I came here to learn how to make sambar.
I nod my head anyway.
"Yes sir"
"Ok ah. In KG classes, you lerrn. Yae faar Aapil, Bhi faar Baal, See faar Cayt. That is KG ah. Driving-gu, you lerrn, Yae faar Akkselaraturr, Bhi faar Brake, See faar Kletch. Understanding ah?"
I nod my head vigourously.
"Understanding means repeat-tu"
"A for accelerator, B for Brake, C for Clutch" I repeat, feeling more like an idiot with every syllable.
"Layft feet on kletch. You put kletch and then put gear. And you release kletch ah. 2.5 inches. Called-du biting point ah. That time you STAMP accelerator ah. Understands?"
STAMP accelerator. Got it.
"Woh-kay! Now you are ready ah. Come this side."
I get out of the car and get into the drivers seat and take the steering wheel into my hands. I feel a strange sense of power.
I turn the key and in my excitement turn it a bit too long, making the engine go Vroooooooom.
Instructor mama gets tension.
"Enna ma, want to driving race ah? Sumal turn, SUMAL!"
The santro was so otta that I had to summon quite a bit of energy into pushing it in, and to add to my stamping woes my instructor was hollering 'Push! push! push-ah! Full!' that would have put a gynaec to shame. After finally pushing the clutch and changing the gear, I conveniently forgot the next step so the car groaned forward for 2 feet and stopped.
"Akselarator ma, you forgot ah? Trying again?"
I follow his instructions properly this time and manage to get the car running. The car moving gave me such a high that I forgot to take my foot off the accelarator.
"AIYIYO! Speed ma! Speed no! Speed slow! Not so fast on first giyar ah. Brake brake."
I snap myself out of my NFS dreams and get back to learning to gear shifts.

I drove 4 kms for my first class. By the end of it, the instructor mama had a few hairs in his sottai head astray. But I thought I did it pretty well, the turning bits especially ("Aiyiyo! Left-tu! Turn turn! Aiyiyo! Vegetable man! Horn ok, horn! horn!") .
"Ok ma. You are fast ah. Come tomorrow, same time ah. Okay tata bye bye. Go walking slow ah."
"OK sir, bye bye" I say all enthusiastic.

As I walk away, I can hear him mumble something about retirement.
I have a feeling that I will get my license very, very soon.


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14 comments

  1. Classic chutney, with the accents et al. The A B C part was hilarious. Did it really happen a, illa adichu vidaraya?

    I can hazard a guess that mama was telugu? Actually 4 kms on the first days is pretty good.

    Something like this happened in my test. I dint even start the car. This is what he said

    "I am nan-brahmeen ba, but ennaku Narayana Murthy pudikum. Neenum Narayana Murthy madri varanum. Adunala I will give license. Please pa konjam oota kathuko."

    Then I swear to God I saw him shed a tear.

    -Ok

    P.S. With my drop-dead good looks and charm I could get the license without even knowing how to drive. But considering you are an attu i would advice you to learn properly.;).

    ReplyDelete
  2. lol, it really doesnt matter how you drive, you will still get a license. i got a motorbike license even though I have never ever tried driving a bike. Hell, I suck at riding a scooty.

    ReplyDelete
  3. hm... when u learn, put all your mind and learn well. you may get a licence any way, but that dosent makes you fit to drive.
    You should concentrate well, and elarn the ropes well. best fo luck with ur driving classes...
    and NFS - wiat till you are experienced enuf - then you can STAMP the accelrator and play NFS :-D

    ReplyDelete
  4. ROTFL really.

    My LLR just got ready.

    Mine should be interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  5. LMAO! When I was learning how to ride a bicycle, I once drover into a gutter. And. And. Fell in there. :| :D

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Ok
    Like I told you, I don't have the vision to come up with gems like this. Cha.
    And ROFL @ the Narayana Murthy incident. Chancey-no!
    And regarding the PS...enna attu sonna paaru, adhu kuda vidu, unna drop dead good looksnnu sonna paaru, adhu dhaan enaala thaangamudila. Poi solra vaaikku bhojanam kadayadhu da ambi.
    :D

    @niyantha
    You learned driving in nice, peaceful, activity-less kk nagar. The mad instructor makes me drive in PONDY BAZAAR. Plus you knew some guy in the RTO office n all...golmaal boy! (niyanniyan, :D!)

    @XH
    thanks for the wise words, and pretty soon I'll be STAMPing all over chennai! ;)

    @Confounded Lady
    Oh it will be, oh yes. :)

    @Busy writer
    Lol, that must make an interesting story. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  7. ippadi a pesinan
    eppadi irunde yo
    and anyway@ok
    she is an idiot we shall get rid of kosus
    btw she is an attu.
    Amen

    ReplyDelete
  8. aloha :)
    got ur link from busy writer..
    rofl!! that was really funny!!!
    hope u get dl fast. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'M NOT ATTU!!
    I'm cute too...:(
    *cute paavum face*
    Bloody dog, varsha, na attu na neeyum attu dhaan!


    @KH (your name is kinda long lol)
    Thanks, i hope so too!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I drove an activa to get my lmv license .. ! :-P.. Still have not tried a car .. All the best for your license plans though .. Should be easy to in through the driving part of it .. The test for the llr is torture though .. Failed twice before passing ! :D

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hilarious! Loved the lingo. My wife is from mysore and they speak that way there too.

    loved it!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I must remember to rely on public transport the next time I am in Chennai. :p

    Lol at "sumal"

    ReplyDelete
  13. really hilarious mallu accent

    ReplyDelete

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