Crash - 2.0

The chutneyfied xerox machin e strikes again. Niyantha : Me and driving have a very, very closely assosciated history. I think I can say w...

The chutneyfied xerox machine strikes again.

Me and driving have a very, very closely assosciated history. I think I can say with confidence that I am a good, if not great, driver, more so because I have had the ghastly experience of driving in the infamous Chennai traffic. I do believe that I have undergone many traumatic experiences trying to figure out what the Autorickshaw driver in front of me was trying to do, not to mention the frightful Metro water lorries. Of all the noteworthy incidents that happened last summer (When I was deemed qualifed by the local RTO to drive in India - one of my most significant achievements), the most memorable one would easily be the time when my beginner's enthusiasm (popularly known as 'aaruva kolar' in Tamil) got the better of me...and the car.
It was my first time on the road, without a middle aged man having a great deal of adipose deposits operating the car simultaneously. There was no 'L-board' on the car, upon strict instructions from my cousin. Apparently it was a 'prestige problem'. I had my driver sit next to me (half-wincing, he was scared, I don't blame him) for the required moral support and one twist of the key later, I was in control. Half a kilometre into the ride later, my driver realized it was safe to partially open his eyes. Which was the start of all my woes. He began giving me instructions to 'speed-u'. Which I did. And then he decides that I was going too 'speed-u' and asked me to 'brake-u'.
Which I did.
The price for my obedience?
A nice dent on the car, courtesy the befuddled man on the bike who had no choice but to run into the car thanks to my braking skills.
And out of nowhere, almost as though they had been paid for it, a crowd gathered and started asking me questions in a way that would have put any FBI agent to shame.
My driver just sat there, unflinching. He was obviously a man of past experience, and by the looks of it, knew how to handle such delicate situations.
He brought the window down and looked at the angry mob.
Just as I thought he'd say something carefully diplomatic and explanatory, as one would during terse situations like this, he simply said "Ponga da, poi velaya paarunga, vandhutaanga....thu!"
(roughtly translates to go mind your damn business)
He quickly brought the window back up and said "speed, thambi speed".
Which I did.

Muhahaha. My sister is one total loosie, she just proved it. Let me tell you the story of:
Chutney's crash!
So anyways, we had gone to pick up Queen Bratty-I-will-not-come-by-bus-yuck-yuck in her client's office. She made me and Amma wait for like, forever. And then she comes all pish-poshing tugging on her NEW NIKE BACKPACK (unfair unfair unfair! her backpack costs more than what she gets a month from her office. She just showed up with it one fine Saturday from Office. Appa should have never given her a CREDIT CARD) and flippity flipping her hair. She was flipping her hair so hard that one peon-in-brown-uniform got scared and opened the main door for her.
So she comes walking upto the car and asks amma if she can drive the car.
Amma said ok.
So she starts the car blah kablooie and drives upto the main road ok-ok. And then on the main road:

Driver: 3rd gear, 3rd gear
Amma: Yes, 3rd gear. You can go little faster. But if you want go slow.
Chutney: Huh?

We were picking up speed!
And then suddenly:

Driver: 3rd gear 3rd gear
Amma: Slow slow!
(I wasn't taking much notice. Too busy seeing billboards. :P Haiyya, ice-cream! :D)

My sister suddenly applied the brake and KABLOOIE! One guy on the bike just crashed!
Oh man, it was like in TV! Suddenly all these people started surrounding the car and asking questions, while my sister looked more perplexed than a Monkey who had too much Mango chutney.
And then after some calming down of those people and telling big fat lies like my sister already has her license, we were free.

My sister got plenty of strawberries and cream. (Strawberries - long lecture; cream - super scoldings)

Now that's what I like.

I'm so adorable when I'm evil no?
Vanilla Vats signing off!

The NY Times talks about the single thing most taken for granted in driving - shifts.

I was sitting in a conference room at a publishing company in New York City (not The Times) last week when an editor poked his head in the door.A hot new sporty hatchback had been dropped off for him to drive to a studio for a photo shoot.
But there was a problem: the car had a manual transmission, and the editor couldn’t drive a stick.
At first everyone in the conference thought he was joking. He wasn’t. His magazine isn’t a car magazine, so there’s no professional reason for him to know how to drive a stick. But I’d always thought it was a basic life skill, like rock, paper, scissors, and shuffling cards. I’d always taken it for granted.

Growing up in India, the land of the feared Ambassador cars, its impossible not to learn driving without shifts and a couple of crashes.
Driving Pundits will tell you that shifting gears is what makes driving the experience that it is. The control of the engine and making it go vroooom, is quite a heady feeling. However, mastering the stick is no joke - it takes time, and a very patient Ramu-Driver.

But I suppose Automatic transmission's biggest argument-in-favour would be the fact it allows multi-tasking. For the Indian Driver (chauffeur for all you pompous ones), this would mean:

->Time to ponder about the next swear word he's going to use
->Time to observe Namitha's movie posters with the required concentration
->Time to discuss the Indian cricket team with the "Saar"
->Time to think about whether he should get Samco Chicken Biriyani for lunch or not.
->Time to roll the window and get a better look at the "Super figure" crossing the road.

But, as them 'chauffeurs' will tell you, with wide grins, that they do precisely this when driving, come-what-manual.

Hat tip:
NY Times

I think I'm really really proud of the this series. It wasn't easy, but I think I did justice to you guys. Tell me if I didn't and I'll tell you that you're wrong.

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  1. An in-depth critical evaluation of the compositions herein contained reveal a remarkable mastery of the stylistic nuances that distinguish the authorship of the authors whose works you have parodied.

  2. here from the Bhel stand right in time to catch the spoof. nice work!
    still lmao at "Time to observe Namitha's movie posters with the required concentration"
    count me a regular. :)

  3. Ok! I'm slightly dying for you to do me now!! :)

  4. Hahaha, you know, I have not been reading Varsha's blog. She seems like a lot of fun. Lol @ "I wasn't taking much notice. Too busy seeing billboards. :P Haiyya, ice-cream!"

    Ahem, as far as my imitation goes, a recent story in The Hindu begins thusly: "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." - just kidding, this was pretty funny by itself.

    Although I would say "semma kattai" rather than "super figure", and never "come what manual" *shudders* :D

  5. Niyanthaa was funny. Though, I havent read is blog it was funny:).

    Varsha was excellent:). I ticked off the usual words. Kablooie, drumroll, eeee. You got everything to a nicety, including poor formatting:).

    BPSK was way off target. I think thats because BPSK never writes about personal incidents. He writes about things from the newspaper.

  6. @lemonade: You want chutney to do you? Get a room!

  7. Is that the same driving story written in different styles?

    if yes : great chutney.

    if no : GOD GRACIOUS!!!

    P.S > I googled Namitha... boy, my head is still spinning @:D

  8. Creative. You must have spent a lot of time learning their writing style. :)

  9. phew, that was a funny take.. lucky that u escape without any issues.. adn 'horrible chennai traffic'? :-O come and drive @ bangalore and then you will love chennai traffic.

  10. @Narendra
    Dude, you like, so totally like, rock.

    Thanks! :D

    lol! If i were to 'xerox' you, I need a new template! :P

    Glad you liked it mate, and thanks for the constructive criticism. I used 'come what manual' to piss you off actually. Lol, I'm happy you noticed. But then again, I thought 'super figure' was quite you. Guess I have to dig a little deeper. :P

    Yea, Neon can be funny if he wants to. But being the magnanimous person that I am, I've given him a little extra geththu. ;)
    It's really hard to not mess up Varsha, btw.
    And BPSK, I do believe I have actual New York Times references to the post for extra authenticity.So there.
    And btw, read lemonade's comment again. She says 'Ok! I'm slightly dying for you to do me now!! :)'
    So, it can only mean she wants YOU, 'ok' to do her.
    For someone who's doing a Ph.D in math, your deductive logic is very sucky.

    Great chutney is right! :D
    Head spinning for just googling? you should check her out in the BIG screen!
    I still get nightmares.

    Thanks! Yea, took me some time but I'm really happy with the results. :)
    Thanks for stopping by :)

    thanks! And yeah, b'lore taffic is traumatic, I heard.

  11. Me? :'(

    Oh, I loved BPSK;s though :D

  12. I really haven't read any of those uv written abt..dumb of me...but i guess it's never too, im gna go thr, read thm n then gt bak to evaluate...thought from the comments, im sure uv done, again, a close-to-perfect imitation!

  13. varsha's was hilarious! lol..had me roflmao..hehe! awesome series, hell yeah!


  14. ..vasool raja la kamalagasan ku badhilaa crazy mohan exam ezhudhura rangeku poitu irukka...

    ..oru naal onnoda indha skills aa vechi nan CA pass panniduven nu nenaikaran...

  15. hehe,good stuff. i noticed the generous use of (...), thats my shtyle

    and this aint the first time uve fooled me into thinking u were varsha

  16. @Cl:
    I really wanted to xerox your style as well, but it was hard, since its soo similar but not so similar to mine.
    I'll feature you in episode 2: Return of the xerox :D
    And thanks! I thought I did a good job on BPSK too :D

    mikka nandri

    I think I'll take a bow in advance ;)

    @Busy writer
    thanks! :D I really enjoyed doing the varsha part of it. Felt great to be 12 again :)

    *tanta tanta tanta tan tanta tan*

    Thanks! :D
    And well, kablooie-ing like varsha is one of my specialties.
    As is being awesome.
    And modesty. Lets not forget that.

  17. Oh yes, uv got everyyyy rite to bow! The varsha imitation was soooperr!Esp the:

    *haiyya, icecream!*

  18. Hahahaahha! This was brilliant! I loved Varsha's (though I haven't read her yet) and BPSK's. And I nearly died laughing at the "Haiyya ice cream!" Hahahahahaha!

  19. Ey, Ok,
    "You got everything to a nicety, including poor formatting:)."
    You think I've got poor formatting do you? Well, how do you like it NOW?
    *very very very very very very angry mood switches on*
    And Lala,
    "I'm so adorable when I'm evil no?"
    I don't use "no?" now, alright?


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