Kalyanam Chronicles

How can you not love Indian Weddings? The smoke, the noise, the Mama (Purohit) shouting at everyone and of course, the hapless bride and gro...

How can you not love Indian Weddings? The smoke, the noise, the Mama (Purohit) shouting at everyone and of course, the hapless bride and groom who have no clue about what’s happening to them amidst the sea of people so fervently trying to shake their hand. I personally love weddings, even though every wedding has at least 5 incidences of complete strangers pinching my cheeks and asking me to recognize them, along with a compulsory comment about my growth rate.
Of all my favourite marriage memories is the one that happened 2, or maybe 3 years ago, takes the cake. I was a lass of 17 then, naïve as ever, with the charm and the grace of an elephant in a tutu. It was yet another one of those weddings, full of pomp and smoke, and midway during the Kasi Yatra ceremony, (yes, that is when the groom supposedly walks out of the wedding with a handy umbrella saying he wants to become a single dude for life and the father of the bride rushes out to convince him to marry his daughter) was when I saw him.
He was tall, maybe 5 feet and 10 inches, give or take, not very fair, not very dark, a killer smile, great hair which flopped over his sricharnam-ed forehead and a lean physique.  Bharathiraja movie soundtracks started playing in my head. And I, of course, in a very ladylike fashion, stared at him through out the whole ceremony with my mouth hanging open.   
I am to believe that till date, thankfully, he didn’t notice the creepy girl, because he smiled at me once the ceremony was over. While people around me will say that it was one of those “ok-weird-woman-now-that-i-smiled-you-can-stop-staring” smiles, I’d like to think it was an “I’m-so-charmed” smile. Well, now you know why they call me the eternal optimist.
An hour or so later, after finishing lunch, I saw him, talking quite animatedly with my mother. What luck! I thought to myself. Now I’ll finally know who he is.  Making sure he was out of earshot, I asked my mother in a very casual tone as to who the young man she was talking to so spiritedly was. My mother raised her eyebrows, which was surprising considering I was being so casual. Maybe the fact that my eyes were popping out of their sockets gave me away.
“Avan a?” 
(him?)
“Aama ma, yaaradhu? Na avana munaadi paathadhe illa” 
(Yea, I've never seen him before)
“Avan dhaan X oda peran” (He's X's grandson) Offered my mother very helpfully, unaware of the fact that I may not have a sprinkling of an idea as to who X was.
“Adhu yaaru ma X?” 
(who's X?)
“X di. Y paati is there no, her brother’s grandson.”
“Y paati a?”
“Aiyo, Y paati! Your paati is there no, Y paati is her cousin. You must have seen her in P’s wedding”
My mother, once again was ignorant of the fact that I may not have any living memory of P’s wedding considering I was only 6 then. All I cared about weddings then was whether ice cream would be served at the end of the meal and playing musical chairs with myself. 
“Therila…nyaabagum illa” 
(Dunno...don't remember)
“Ippo unakku ennadi venum?”
(What do you want now?)
“Illa…andha payyan enaku epdi related?”
(no...how's that guy related to me?)
“Very simple di. He’s Y paati’s brother X’s grandson.”
“Sollu ma…” I poked, hoping she’d say something like mora-payyan (In my defense, I had been diagnosed with the deadly disease Magnificus Salivatis, commonly known as Jollaria. Also I was but an inexperienced child of 17)
“Unakku avan Anna”
Anna. Brother.
Have you seen those moments in the cartoons where glass breaks, and everything comes to a screeching halt. It was one of those moments. Brother apparently.  I watched my mother talk to yet another aunty I didn’t recognize. But turned out she knew me and had very fond memories of me pissing on her saree when she came to my house 14 years ago. Just as I was about to give her my well rehearsed fake smile, I noticed a very very good looking boy standing behind her.
“This is my son ma, H. Nyaabagum irukka? You’ve played with him and all.”
As he flashed his dimples, I sincerely wished I remembered.
As the middle aged women continued their conversation, H started talking. I don’t remember what he talked about or what we talked considering I was paying more attention to his dimples. But I remembered only one thing. The show must go on. 

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47 comments

  1. ROFL!...This happens to everyone! As in the who is X, who is Y thingy. I never had the luck of meeting pretty young things during any wedding. Cha!

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  2. Very well written. Oru Bharadiraja-P Vasu padam paartha madiri irundadu

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  3. the glass breaking reminds me of the sad shenai that plays in most scenes. pe pe pe pe peeeeeeeeeeee


    I hate weddings coz I have all the luck in the world
    1) there will be no PYTs
    2) random ppl will enquire bout me

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  4. Jollu!!!! I think your mom saw how much you were drooling and conveniently made him your anna! I recommend pulling the dude or his sister/ nephew aside next time and asking - "what's your gothram?" If it's different from yours, then he can't be your brother! Simple! Cha, I have to teach you everything!

    Talking of weddings - I haven't been to one since I was 16, but that's quickly about to change. Let's see if they are indeed great places to hookup.

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  5. lol! Superb read.
    Unfortunately, i've never had any wedding crushes, cos no handsome hunk ever turns up cos you see, its uncool to admit that you still go to one vitta two vitta relatives' gigs. As for the immediate family goes, no dudes at all, pretty or otherwise :-(

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  6. ah weddings. people get together, judge the bride and groom, try to look for potential spouses for their children and grandchildren, eat free food, gossip the day (and night) away and go back home and complain about how there was not enough sugar in the paayasam.

    always fun.

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  7. Would you believe it if I say that I saw the cutest guys at my wedding, at funerals of my granddad, the doctor who treated me for malaria when I was puking most of the time and when a guy cousin of AB's dropped his mom who came to see me :(

    Can you believe my luck? :(

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  8. LOL!! It has happened to me too!! Saw a couple of cute looking guys and me and my other girl cousins ( related in the opposite way, like enakku Anna means, Mama for them and vice versa) used to be happy or sad depending on whose murai the cute guy turned out to be! :--))

    Super bulb!

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  9. I have just come to accept that all cute guys in the world r either younger or booked...

    now i stopped lookin :-/

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  10. LOL... kidilam... that brother part... so one payyan got escpaed ;)

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  11. I used to go to these weddings until one day a mami I was introduced came up with this remark:
    "yen pa MBA lam pandre.. Ippolam MS mapala than ellarum kekaraa !! :o "

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  12. ROFL!I had thought it was only me.....ellarukkum luck ivvalo dhaana?

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  13. Personally, I'm plain TERRIFIED of weddings. The thought of those two ppl on the stage having to spend their whole lives together.. scares me!
    :-I
    U play musical chairs with urself? ROFL!!!
    Awwwww brother! Just where DO these brothers come from at all the wrong times :P:P

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  14. "Magnificus Salivatis"

    LOL !!!

    Arasiyalla idhallam sakajam !!

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  15. Good one! And I thought it was a barren land for men during each of my sisters' weddings. Nice to see someone from the other species narrating these kinda stories!

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  16. LOL!!! nice to see ppl like me :D
    These days when i attend any marriage i compulsorily take my camera... Get the glimpse of some nice dimple payyan :P I will show mom after coming to home and then ask how im related to him ;) mostly all whom i ask are always booked :(

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  17. @preeti:
    all guys think that the cute/beautiful girls are booked...

    Something does not add up!

    @chutney:
    nice one, especially the nee evalo perisu aayite....i saw you when you were a kai-kozandai! God only knows whats there to be surprised/astonished about that

    cheers!
    K

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  18. "Magnificus Salivatis, commonly known as Jollaria" - the funniest thing i have come across in ages! hehehehe :D :D

    sigh.. i rem the days i used to be like this too, cant believe i am goddamn married now!

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  19. I think this is a conspiracy. It cannot be an anna. This kind of crap has happened to me too! As it is its a guinness if i manage to find some hot tambram female in my family weddings (i think we as a family are curse to have oldies only in weddings) and if something like this always comes up then its gotta be a controversy.

    Not every hot woman can be a akka/distant cousin relationship, come on! :D

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  20. At first glance, i thought you sight-adichified maapillai himself. Description of kashi yaatirai, scenes of maapillai trying to elope etc gave me an impression that you sensed an opportunity to route-vittufy the groom whom you were sight-adichifiying right from previous evening's jaanavasam :D

    As always, a humorous post.

    - Skumar

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  21. God!
    I attend so many weddings these days and ask mom similar questions. ;-)

    As someone here pointed out,there are many sisters/brothers during wedding. WTH!!

    Your time will come.Good luck.
    Good post.

    -Nikhil

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  22. Sympathies about the anna part, but you left out the ubiquitous photographer at these weddings. The one who tramples over everyone's feet, and shoots so many pics of the newly weds forcing fake smiles that they wouldnt want to be in a pic together for a very long time..

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  23. been there done that... Tam-Brahm guys are really goodlooking and leave it to the paatis and aththais to find you and the cute guy you're ogling at are anna-thangai or worse, akka-thambi.
    and sadly the elders don't use the term 'morai paiyyan', and it's really excruciating to know that the adonis you've been staring at is your amma's far-younger far-cousin and hence your maama.
    --yet another tambrahm girl.

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  24. ROFL @ "Jollaria". Another disease with no cure and a new muse for pathologists!!
    Yes, weddings are a great place to hookup, what with parents hunting for matches for their kids!

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  25. LMAO ..
    I always knew that there were always drooling girls at marriages, this post of urs corroborates that ;)

    and ofcourse the glass breaking momments depends on the kinda people you miss.. my reaction varied a lot from a smell of burnt rubber to a "Laxmi bomb" effect :P

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  26. I was thinking you will use all the alphabets to name all your relatives. This mora ponnu/payyan thing has always been tricky. Like Goundamani said "Science natula evlo valarnthukku, Relatives kulla kattika koodathu, porakkara kozhanthaikku nallathu illa". Glass breaking can also be replaced by Transformer bursting sometimes.

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  27. You are one among the sweetest writers i have seen; Evalo kevala bulb vaanginaaalum; athaiyum perumaya elutharathu.. not every one can do dude.. cheerss.. keep writing.... :)

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  28. ROTFL @ Jollaria :).. i have never had such luck.. all the stupid 2nd or 3rd cousins are younger than me :(.. too late now :)

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  29. LOL!!! at weddings when one love story reaches a happy ending, another starts!!

    good one!!

    ;-))

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  30. Does it really matter? Why waste time inquiring anna or not?

    P.S. The reason I say this is even if he was even an infinitesimal of what you described, he would be infinite leagues ahead of a maha-attu like you.

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  31. @Vijey: I like it. Avala aeethi ooodara madri asinga padathura. I like it;).

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  32. P.s. Kidding about everything except the maha-attu part.

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  33. @Kaushik: Now i agree to that cuz iv heard of that lament earlier...Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder concept workin mayb!

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  34. Hahaha! All the cute guys that I've run into at the weddings were either too old for me (the oldest who I found cute was 25, when I was a wee kid of 16) or taken/married or both. I think there's a severe dearth of cute-looking guys in the world. What I'm planning to do is catch hold of average guys, poke their cheeks continuously with pencil tips until they get "dimples". Voila. Dimple = cute. :P

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  35. "Like parking spaces, the best boys are either already taken or disabled (old indian proverb)"

    Enjoyed! Masterfully written, and the glass breaking scene is pure genius. As Max says, sad shehnai.

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  36. Politically correct addition to earlier (offensive) proverb "Disabled due to marriage or other debilitating relationships"

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  37. haha.. glass break sounds nice.. surprised u are "liberal" enuff to not hear glass break when u realized u were in his marriage..

    another thing i am surprised abt is u suggesting u found random chennai boy attractive at that age.. most of us boys had to hunt for babes like needles in tirupathi's hair storage facility.. i always assumed girls had the same feelings..

    sangu

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  38. This was hilarious!!! I want to say something intelligent but no witty words at the spur of the moment, all I can come up with is "you write really well" so I'll just leave it at that.

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  39. ha ha ha!!! very hilarious :) Relationship stories always confuses me and this X and Y is no difference. Indha kadaila Vikaraman pada music ah miss panniteengale.. super ah irundhu irukkum :)

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  40. Ha ha!!! COOL ONE. The usual infatuations that take place during mARRIAGE ceremonies!! Free a vidu!! There'll be one more marriage ceremony, where you'll find someone better than him and not related to you too!! Podhumaa! ha ha.

    Anywayz!! Gud post. :)

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  41. 41 comments a? OMG, I am famous. :D


    Thanks everyone (But only if you said something nice)! And yes, I know, I am one jollu party only :D

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  42. Indhango, 42nd!

    Enna irundhalum adolescent crushes are difficult to forget. I'm sure you wanted to be invisible after mommy mouthed 'Anna di'... But these Mommies I tell you... appo appo face value le edduku kudadhu..

    Here's wishing you 42 more crushes .. and follow up posts!

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  43. lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    hi-la-ri-ous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  44. nice account!!!
    17 seems like the greener side of life, eh!

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  45. Hi,

    Reading your post was so fresh.It took me back to my teens....super!!

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  46. Woo! Same experience here...rather worse consequences though! Me and my sis(:D) were mightily impressed with a really really good looking guy (you know those types who make you go Ah-there-is-some-good-in-the-world, that kind ;) )..well we had been checking him out for almost half a day at the end of which the following convo ensued -
    Sis, me and a cousin chatting away at the entrance of the M Hall
    Him (*background music*) - waving at the said cousin.
    Me and sis - exchange *that* look
    Cousin: "Hi P!"
    Him: "Hi K! Cool friends you've got here! Intro panna mattiya?"
    Me and sis - *sheepish grin*
    Cousin: "This is A -"
    [Sis and Him]: "Hi"
    Cousin: "and this is M - "
    Me: *ecsatic* "Hi!"
    Him: (Before he could open his mouth)
    Cousin: "Your aththais!"
    Him: *Wth?!? look*
    Me and Sis: *Wth?!? a hundred times over look*
    Not to be deterred by such mundane stuff as relations, I delved deeper only to find that the guy was a year younger! Curse my luck!
    *sigh*

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